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A Noob Hope/Transcripts
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Zenblock: [sipping]

Memnock: Zenblock, on a scale from one to ten, how would you rate this Earth lemonade?

Zenblock: A ten, Memnock! It's zesty and good for toasting us leaving this bad and awful planet. Haha!

[clink]

Memnock: And how would you rate our Earth warriors?

Kevin: [screaming]

Zenblock: I would give them a three.

Kevin and Tyler: [screaming]

Zenblock: I mean a two.

Noobs: [screaming]

Zenblock: A one. They are a one!

Noobs: [screaming]

[Extractor zaps]

Noobs: [scream]

Zenblock: [sighs] You picked terrible Earth warriors.

Memnock: I picked them? You picked them!

Zenblock: And together we have to fix it!

Memnock: [sighs] Boys and... girl. We feel the superhero thing is eh, not working out.

Noobs: [mixed speech]

Tyler: Having superpowers just isn't as cool as we thought it would be.

Zenblock: Yeah, and there will be one small side effect though. Losing the battleballs which have mutated your DNA will cause your bodies to, eh, perish like rotten Earth fruit.

Noobs: What?!

Memnock: When connected, your battleballs recharge your new advanced systems. Without their charge, you will eh... Well, look like this.

[flies buzzing]

Noobs: [mixed speech]

Zenblock: We can't keep winning your battles for you, okay?!

Kevin: Why not? You guys are really good!

Shope: There's a house for sale just up the street. You can live there!

Roach: Just use your shapeshifting buttons, and you'll blend right in!

[zap]

Memnock: [as Bob] Okay, yes. We look good. But we have to recruit warriors on other planets.

Zenblock: [as Rob] A-And more importantly, you are all weak and puny, and I hate the Earth.

Kevin: Hey, you can't recruit warriors and then take their powers away just 'cause they're terrible!

Memnock and Zenblock: Yes, we can.

Tyler: Where? Where does it say that? Where in your uh... "Space Virus War Declaration" does it say that?

XR4Ti: Article 9, Section Z of Virus Mode Recruitment Law states that recruiters can reassign battleballs from poor performing warriors or warriors that abuse the battleballs.

Roach: I'm in love.

Zenblock: [in alien form] See? She said we could have the battleballs back, so start shriveling!

XR4Ti: But nowhere is there precedent for taking away the battleballs from warriors recruited accidentally.

Shope: Hey, that's what we are. Accidents.

Zenblock: Maybe we messed up a bit. Eh, what are you saying?!

XR4Ti: The battleballs cannot be revoked until this case is revered by the Benevolent Alliance.

[All cheer]

Tyler: Now, what does that mean?

Memnock: [in alien form] It means we're going on a little trip.

[Galacticus swooshes, Noobs scream]

Memnock: Again with the screaming? Good warriors don't scream that much.

XR4Ti: That is correct. If you want to impress the Alliance and keep your powers, screaming is bad.

Roach: Is it wrong to be in love with a computer program?

Shope, Kevin, and Tyler: Yes.

Shope: And what is this "Benevolent Alliance"?

Memnock: They are representatives from galaxies who formed an alliance to stop the spread of the virus

Zenblock: General Blorgon and the elders will decide if you are worthy of keeping your battleballs. You're not!

Memnock: Prepare for judgement, young warriors! And no, we will not help you this time.

Kevin: Yeah? Well, we don't want your help.

[crowd chattering]

General Blorgon: Welcome, At Earth warriors.

Kevin: Okay, you can help us now.

Zenblock: No, we can't help you.

General Blorgon: You will be tested individually and judged by myself, Secretary Headees, and Secretary Technut.

Kevin: How 'bout now?

Zenblock: No!

Kevin: How 'bout now?

Zenblock: No helping!

General Blorgon: After your tests, we will decide if you keep your powers and fight Earth's war against the virus.

Tyler: Okay, so it's like those singing talent shows on TV. Only if they don't pass us, we shrivel up like dried Earth fruit.

[flies buzzing]

Kevin: Will you help us now?

Memnock and Zenblock: No!

General Blorgon: The green battleball contradicts your planet's natural gravity, giving you the power of flight.

Headees: And superhuman strength.

Roach: Wait! Did you say super strength?! [laughs] Like what?

Technut: If you wish, you can increase the size of your fists and knock almost anything out.

Roach: Ooh...

[crash]

Roach: [chuckles] Hey, I have a big hand like Zenblock!

General Blorgon: [groans]

Zenblock: See? We told you they are terrible!

Shope: Don't worry, I know what to do.

General Blorgon: The purple battleball draws strength from the natural powers around you.

Headees: Electro, hydro, wind, magnetic, and other earthly forces.

Shope: Yeah, I don't know how to do that, but did you know that they can also be used as... Blasters?!

[crash]

Technut: [groans]

Shope: Oops... the triggers are sensitive.

General Blorgon: The red battleball allows its possessor to shapeshift.

Kevin: I know where this is going and I assure you, I am prepared to impress all of you!

Headees: We would like to see a butterfly.

Technut: Whose beauty and flight could confuse a virus infected beast and find a potential weakness.

Kevin: A butterfly. Cool. Not a problem.

General Blorgon: [groans]

Kevin: I'm sorry, did you say butterfly or sperm whale?

General Blorgon: What kind of wretched place is this "Earth"?

Memnock: Well, they all look like this.

Zenblock: [as Rob] And then they make joy noises after saying meaningless things, like this.

Memnock and Zenblock: [fake laughter]

General Blorgon: [coughs, weakly] The... blue... battleball... heightens its host's nine senses, including awareness and melding.

Tyler: Um, humans only have five senses.

General Blorgon: [through telepathy] There are more.

Tyler: Wait, I can read minds?! You're hungry. No! You're in pain from getting hit with a sperm whale, and you wanna take the balls away from my friends! Wait, what?!

Technut: He's good. But the others are really bad. This Earth will surely perish from the virus.

Tyler: But my friends will perish without these balls! We might be small and terrible now, but we just need to learn how to use our powers.

General Blorgon: You are... young for your planet?

Tyler: We're in the seventh grade, and we didn't choose these powers, but we accept them.

Headees: Wait, you didn't choose your powers?

[teleportation zap]

Memnock: They were dressed like Earth warriors, it wasn't our fault!

Zenblock: Earth is a terrible place by the way, it might not be worth saving.

Tyler: It is worth saving! In fact, if we face the virus right now, you'd be surprised at what we can do.

Beast: [growls]

Kevin: What... did you do?

General Blorgon: [echoing] Everyone in the battle arena! If the beast is defeated, the young warriors will keep their powers and fight the virus on Earth!

[mechanical whirring]

Beast: [roars]

[fart]

Shope: We're so shriveled fruit.

[stomping, crowd cheers]

Memnock: An infected Wargoff? [?]

Zenblock: Eh, that's eh, that's a little harsh, don't you think?

Tyler: Okay, because it's the only thing that's ever really worked, I say we go blasters!

Noobs: Ready... set... fire!

Roach: We should probably scream now.

[Noobs scream]

Zenblock: Ugh. Again with the screaming!

Memnock: Okay, they fail! So stop the test.

General Blorgon: The test is not over.

[Noobs scream]

Shope: [panting] I don't know for sure, but I think it looked hungry.

Beast: [roars]

Kevin: Then let's see if he likes the taste of rhinoceros!

Shope: Okay. Where did the bow come from?

Kevin: [moos and screams]

Tyler: Well, guess if we're going down, may as well go down together!

Shope, Tyler, and Roach: [grunting]

Memnock: I can't watch anymore.

Zenblock: Do not help them! They are terrible warriors, I will not help you and-- Darn it, yes I will help!

Kevin: Moo?

Zenblock: Instead of cow...

Memnock: May we suggest you try the Extractor?

[Extractor zaps]

[crowd cheers]

General Blorgon: We are not impressed with the Earth warriors' fighting.

Headees: But we are impressed with their bravery and Memnock and Zenblock's protection and care.

Zenblock: What? Haha, no, that was not caring! We d-- we don't care!

Technut: Because we believe in peace, and because the bad Earth warriors were chosen by accident, we say they keep their battleballs.

[crowd cheers]

Memnock: What?! They're terrible! Adorable, but terrible!

General Blorgon: Which is why you will stay on Earth to train them until they're strong enough to secure the planet on their own.

Zenblock: [laughs] Sorry, did you say "stay on Earth"?

Realtor: You are going to love it here! Such nice families. Great neighborhood!

Memnock: [as Bob] I don't like it here. It's hot.

Zenblock: [as Rob] Ugh, well like it. Because we are going to be here a long time!

Memnock: And these Earth clothes, they're restricting. And another thing--

Zenblock: [screams]

Shope: You know what? They scream too much.

Roach, Tyler, and Kevin: [general agreement]

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