Noob It or Lose It/Transcripts
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How to Use Your Noob/Transcripts

[Galacticus whirs]

Memnock: With great power comes great responsibility.

Zenblock: And to care for your planet and protect it from the virus, you need to learn to care about other things than yourselves.

Memnock: So please present the plants we gave you last week so we can inspect how they were cared for.



Roach: I think mine's infected.


Zenblock: [sighs] Where's your plant?

Kevin: You never gave me one.

Memnock: Yes we did, we gave you all a plant to take care of for one week.

Kevin: Do you have video proving you gave me one?

Zenblock: No!

Kevin: So how can you prove you gave me one, which you didn't.

Memnock: Fine. Here's a plant. Care for it.


Zenblock: You fail! All of you!

Tyler: Well, what about you? Every time you guys disagree on something, you end up on the news!

Sue Newswoman: Another strange explosion rocked the Cornbury supermarket today. Eyewitnesses tell the story.

Memnock: [as Bob] Well, we were in the produce aisle arguing if we should get a watermelon, like I wanted or a honeydew melon, like he wanted.

Zenblock: [as Rob] Yeah, then all the watermelon just blew up, so we had to get honeydew. It was weird.

Shope: You two need to work on being better Earthlings.

Zenblock [normal form]: And you all need to work on being more responsible!

Tyler: Responsible? We are very responsible.

Roach: Yeah. For instance, we are on our bikes and wearing helmets!

[horn honks]

Shope: But we should probably get out of the way.

[horn honks]

Kevin: Keep your shirt on!

[tires squeal]

Man: Oh hey, you kids in helmets who look very responsible!

Woman: We're new to the neighborhood and need a babysitter.

Tyler: You want one of us to take care of a real baby?

Man: It pays $20 an hour.

Noobs: [shouting all at once]

Roach: Uh, goo-goo ga-ga.

Man: Uh-oh. Looks like it's interview time! To see who gets the job.

Woman: Sounds great, hon.

Man: Okay. Question #1: What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "babysitting"?

Roach: Waffles.

Tyler: Fear.

Kevin: When you babysit, you don't actually sit on the baby, right?

Shope: While we hear the word "babysitting", we think of responsibility, because it is an important job to care for someone's precious child. Almost like taking care of our precious Earth.

Woman: Well, I think they all get the job! Now, he just woke up from his nap. So let him play with his teddy.

Man: Ah, but do not give him his pacifier, no matter how badly he wants it.

Woman: And don't forget to sterilize the bottle and give it to him when he's hungry. We've been invited to a "welcome to the neighborhood" dinner!

Man: And if you have any questions, don't call us. We haven't had a night out in months!

Woman: Have fun!

[tires squeal]

Tyler: Okay. We can do this. We can take care of a baby because we are responsible!

Kevin: The teddy bear's head fell off and nobody has video to prove I did it.

Roach: [sucking on bottle]

Shope: Don't drink that!

[dramatic sting]

Man: It's so nice to be invited to dinner. We hope we can become fast friends!

Memnock: And we hope it'll help us to act more Earth-like. Like eating whatever this animal is. Or simply find a way to agree on something.

Zenblock: [as Rob] [scoffs] We agree. Like, we both think the dinner you planned is completely terrible!

Memnock: It's not terrible, you're terrible!

Man: [chuckles awkwardly] N-Not agreeing, fellas. Heh.

Memnock: 'Cause he has anger issues.

Zenblock: I disagree. I am not angry!


Woman: This is nice.

[baby coos]

Tyler: Okay. That's all the straps and he's safely secure in his happy baby tabletop bouncer seat!

Baby: Hm?

Kevin: Haha! This is easy.

[baby cries]

Kevin: Not easy!

Roach: Maybe it wants its pacifier. It might be feeling stressed because its mommy and daddy are away and the natural need for sucking might soothe its discomforts.

Shope: No. His dad says we are not supposed to give it to him!

Roach: Okay. [humming and sucking on pacifier]

Shope: And if a baby is crying, it's either tired, hungry, or...

Baby: [fart]

Kevin: Oh no. He needs a diaper change! I guess it's time to go battleball!

Tyler: We don't need battleballs. We just need...

Tyler: Clean diaper.

Roach: Clean diaper.

Tyler: Baby wipes.

Shope: Baby wipes.

Tyler: Gags.

Shope: [coughing]

Roach and Kevin: [retching]

Tyler: There. Now we have a happy baby.

Kevin: Heh. He's kinda cute.

[baby cries]

Kevin: Not cute!

Shope: Maybe it's hungry!

Roach: On it! 'Cause nothing shows we're responsible like giving a baby its bottle when it needs it.

Kevin: With the virus in it!

Noobs: [shouting]

Tyler: We forgot to sterilize the bottle.

Shope: But he's still cute. Hey, maybe the virus can't affect newborn babies.

[loud fart]

Noobs: [scream] [groan]

Tyler: 'Kay. We've gotta rescue this baby from the virus.

Kevin: No way! I'm staying here were it's safe!

[horn honks]

Roach: This is safe?

[horn honks]

[tires squeal]

Memnock: I just find we're always arguing.

Zenblock: Again, I totally disagree!

Memnock: See? I like dinners with new neighbors who could be friends.

Zenblock: And if I never saw you again, I'd be fine with that.

Memnock: Still not agreeing!

Woman: Well, we agree on everything!

Man: Oh yeah. Like hiring four kids in the neighborhood to watch our baby.

Memnock: Wait. You hired four kids from the neighborhood to babysit... a child?!

Woman: Uh-huh. Three boys and one girl.

Zenblock: What did they look like?

Memnock and Zenblock: Uh-oh.

Memnock: What a lovely dinner this was. Rob, let's go for a jog like Earthlings.

Zenblock: I totally agree with you, Bob!

Memnock: Bye, nice neighbors!


Baby: [cooing evilly]

Shope: We just have to calm the baby down and get close enough to extract the virus. 'Cause when the parents come home, they can't see that.

Baby: [cooing evilly]

Tyler: Then let's give it what babies like the most. A teddy bear! And 'cause its head is missing, we'll use a Kevin bear.

Kevin: Aww...

[bear growl]

Tyler: Now, let him play with you, and I'll teleport in and extract the virus!

Kevin: Hello, baby! I'm your favorite teddy bear!

Baby: Goo-ga...

Kevin: [screams] On second thought, I don't wanna be a teddy bear! Help! [screaming]

Shope: [grunts] Sorry, giant, infected baby. But I think you need a little-- [chokes] [straining] Strong kid. Help!

Roach: We should call Mem and Zen now.

Tyler: No. We have to show them we are responsible. Plus, there's still you and me.

Roach: [screams]

Kevin, Shope, and Roach: [screaming]

Tyler: Okay, there's just me. And the baby has three arms. [grunts] Four arms.

Memnock: We've got to get to their house before they do!

[tires squeal]

Zenblock: And that was their car! Go, rocket boosters!

Memnock: No. We have to be more Earth-like. Go, shortcut!

Zenblock: Hey, how you doin'?

Memnock: Hey, what smells so good?

Zenblock: It was scones. I grabbed you one.

Memnock: Why, thank you.

Shope: [panting] Nothing will calm him down.

Kevin: Well, he's the strongest baby! (?)

Roach: It's. Kind. Of. Fun.

Tyler: [pants] There's got to be something. Just have to think... Think! Transport now!

[teleportation zap]

Kevin: That's no fair he can do that!

[baby cries]

Kevin, Shope, and Roach: [screaming]

[teleportation zap]

[Super Noobs battle theme]

Tyler: It's gotta be the perfect shot!

Kevin, Shope, and Roach: [scream and grunt]

[Extractor zaps]

Kevin: Okay, that worked.

[car pulls up]

Kevin: Not working!

Shope: 'Cause a messy, destroyed house is not responsible!

Roach: Which is why it's time for my... super cleaning cleanup powers! Zoom! [makes random noises]

[cat yowls]

Roach: [yelping]

Woman: Oh, you were right, hun. Picking random neighborhood kids as babysitters was a good idea.

Man: And here's your money, gang! Now, are you available tomorrow night?

Noobs: No!

Zenblock: [panting] We heard you were babysitting, so we jogged over here like Earthlings as fast as we could.

Memnock: And we agree that we like scones. And that you're very responsible because you took care of a baby and the parents are not screaming right now.

Tyler: [sighs] I guess we're all getting better at this "saving the world" thing.

[horn honks]

Kevin: But we should get out of this guy's way!

Sue Newswoman: Another report of strange phenomenon in Cornbury, for a truck on the quiet streets seemed to crash into nothing!

Memnock: Well, we were just jogging and riding our bikes on this quiet street.

Zenblock: When this truck was going too fast, and bam! It just crashed. It was weird.