Where No Noob Has Gone Before/Transcripts
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[bell rings]

Mrs. Crabberton: Welcome, everyone, to home economics class!

Shope: Yes! High five! Don't leave me hangin'. Maybe later.

Mrs. Crabberton: Just a sampling of the important things you will learn are balancing a check book, abolishing toe lint, and cheese folding!

Tyler: Okay. Why did I take a class about cheese folding and not wood shop with Kevin and the Roach?

Roach: Doodly-doo doo doo. Look what I can do with a chisel! [humming]

Kevin: Look what I can do with a hammer! [grunting, metal clanking]

Shope: We took this class because it's the easiest "A" ever.

Mrs. Crabberton: And I have a surprise for class today. We're taking a pop test!

Tyler: A test?! Already?!

Mrs. Crabberton: Each team has to care for an adorable guinea pig for the entire class! Yeah, heh, heh... It's like caring for your very own baby, who is not a baby, but a rodent, heh. And you will be graded on how happy and healthy your pig baby is at the end of class.

Shope: OMG. A test where all we have to do is play for an hour with Mr. Easy McA?

Tyler: We're not calling him that.

Shope: Yes we are. Take a closer look and tell me he doesn't look like an Easy McA.

Tyler: He's gone.

Shope: What? I can't fail! I am a straight-A student. Find that pig!

Shope: [groans]

Tyler: How are we supposed to protect our planet if we can't even protect a guinea pig?

Shope: Okay, don't panic. I am a genius, which means I've got a genius plan.

[clunk, clunk, clunk]

Shope: Hey, nice wood bunny.

[clunk clunk]

Kevin: What are you doing?

Shope: You need to be a guinea pig now.

Kevin: No I don't.

Roach: He hates guinea pigs.

Shope: Do it or Tyler and I are gonna fail! I can't fail!

Kevin: I can't just leave class!

Shope: Yes, you can! Everyone knows Mr. Bandsaw doesn't care about anything.

Mr. Bandsaw: Hey! Who said something?! Wait! I don't care!

Kevin: Go away, I'm not doin' it!

Shope: We're best friends. And the sign of a best friend is helping a best friend who is a best friend!

Mrs. Crabberton: Hmm... he doesn't look happy.

Shope: Sure it does. Look again, 'cause it knows I won't help it with its homework if it doesn't smile.

Mrs. Crabberton: Oh, okay. It does look happy. Heh...

Shope: Have we ever failed, Mrs. Crabberton?

Mrs. Crabberton: Well, it depends on if it's happy at the end of class. After you and Tyler bathe it, feed it, dry it, play with it, and clean up after it.

Tyler: No problem.

Kevin: Hey! Find that real pig now, 'cause there is no way you two are bathing me.

Shope: We have thirty minutes.

Tyler: Found him! Lost him! You take care of Kevin pig and I'll take care of the real pig.

Shope: I will bend him to my will.

Tyler: Can I go to the bathroom, Mrs. Crabberton? It's really bad! Really, really, really.

Mrs. Crabberton: Do not be long.

Tyler: What are you doing out here?

Roach: I got lonely. And the guinea pig went that way.

Tyler: [screams]

Tyler and Roach: [screaming]

Kevin: Guh! Stop it. Dude, I'm not eating this. Ah! Stop it!

Shope: I have never gotten a "B" in my life, now eat it!

Kevin: Make the tiny bits a taco and I'll think about it.

Shope: [quickly] Do it now, Crabberton is coming!

Kevin: Bwah!

Mrs. Crabberton: Ooh, I see he's eating well.

Kevin: [muffled screaming and groaning]

Mrs. Crabberton: Good job, Jennifer.

Kevin: Pah! Ah! Ooh... you are a terrible pet owner!

Shope: You are a terrible pet. Way worse than Mr. Easy McA.

Kevin: Wait, did you seriously name it that?

Shope: It's a good name, okay!

Tyler: Just help me find the small guinea pig and get it back to class.

[whistle, crash]

Roach: What about a small meteor? With escaping virus thingies...

Tyler: I don't get it. How can something so small cause so much damage? Awesome! It's Easy McA!

[chomp chomp chomp chomp]

Tyler: Uh-oh.

Roach: Um, if things get infected when they eat one virus, what happens when they eat four?

Tyler: Huh, nothing. It's pretty much the same as eating one, and we can totally take this dude.

Guinea Pig Beast: [growls]

Tyler: Correction: the more they eat, the bigger they get.

Roach and Tyler: [scream]

Kid 1: My guinea pig loves her house!

Kid 2: My guinea pig loves his battle armor!

Shope: Spin. It'll show the teacher that you're happy. And we need a happy pig to get the easy "A".

Kevin: I'm happy not going on the wheel.


Shope: I want that A!

Kevin: [screaming]

Shope: [acting] My guinea pig loves his rat wheel thing.

Kevin: [screaming] [grunts]

Mrs. Crabberton: He does look happy. Sorta... But there is something wrong with your project. As in, it's a partnership. As in, where is Tyler? No one's in the bathroom this long. If he's not in there like he said, you will not get that "A". Mm-mm. Perhaps I will check on him right now.

Tyler and Roach: [screaming]

Tyler: Guh... if I could just get it in, maybe it can read the beast's mind and figure out how to defeat it.

Roach: Yup. And do it quick, 'cause--

Tyler and Roach: [scream and grunt]

Tyler: [panting] Okay. We're still alive.

Roach: But get that ball in fast!

Guinea Pig Beast: [growling]

[fart, fart, fart]

Mrs. Crabberton: Tyler? You better be in there!


Tyler: Gotta push harder! [grunts]


Tyler: Come on! We can defeat this beast! Push! Push! Harder! [grunting]

Mrs. Crabberton: I'll give him more time.

[poke poke]

Shope: Just eat it. Now!

Kevin: Ahh! I can't believe you did that. And I hope you get the grade you deserve!

Shope: Right. An "A"!

Mrs. Crabberton: Okay, class. Time for my second-to-last inspection.

Kevin: Oh, that guinea pig doesn't look happy at all.

Shope: What? No, no, he's very happy. Just look at that smile!

Kevin: [grunts]

Mrs. Crabberton: Huh. I can't tell if he's smiling or wincing.

Shope: It's smiling. That's definitely a smile.

Mrs. Crabberton: Next.

Shope: [sighs]

Kevin: I can't believe you would pick getting an "A" over a friendship.

Shope: It's a sickness. Anyways, you gotta stay. And where is Tyler with that pig?

Guinea Pig Beast: [growls]

Tyler and Roach: [scream]

Roach: You've got to get the ball in now! Okay. What's the beast's weakness?

Tyler: Yeah. It has no weakness. But neither do Mem and Zen, so hold me while I contact them!

[teleportation zap]

Tyler: Come in, Mem and Zen! Help me, I'm at school! Please drop everything you are doing and assist!

[teleportation zap]

Zenblock: [yawns] What? I was napping.

Memnock: And who wants cream puffs?

Tyler: We need help fighting a beast.

Zenblock: What beast?

Guinea Pig Beast: [growls]

Memnock and Zenblock: [scream, grunt]

Guinea Pig Beast: [growling]

Memnock and Zenblock: [grunting]

Roach: Should we go help them?

Memnock and Zenblock: [screaming continues]

Tyler: I'm weighing our options.

Zenblock: [screaming] It's huge! [screaming]

Memnock: [screaming] It's got my foot! And it ate all my cream puffs!

Roach: Have you weighed them?

Tyler: Yeah.

Memnock and Zenblock: [screaming]


Roach: And we should go?

Tyler: Yep.

Roach and Tyler: [screaming]

[bell tolls]

Mrs. Crabberton: Okay, class. Time for your guinea pig test grade.

Kevin: [grunting] Enough! I am not smiling unless you treat me with more respect!

Shope: Never. I will get that easy "A"! Wait... Is that Easy McA?

Tyler: Yep.

Shope: Ha! Yes! Don't need you anymore.

Tyler: Yeah, uh, wait one sec.

Shope: Can't wait. Time to get graded. Kevin won't smile, so out you go!

Kevin: You are evil!

Shope: Now to put ol' Easy McA into that cage and bring on my grade. [grunting] Give it. Give it!

Mrs. Crabberton: Okay, you two. Let's take a look and give you your final grade.

Shope: [gasps]

Mrs. Crabberton: You get an "F".

Tyler: Heh, he got caught the virus.

Shope: Yep, that makes sense.

Guinea Pig: [burps]